Refugee

by Silvone Elestahr on Fri Jul 24, 2009 6:39 pm

Removed

by Silvone Elestahr on Fri Jul 24, 2009 6:39 pm

Removed

by Dio the Awesome on Sun Jul 26, 2009 4:53 am

*cracks fingers*

Sorry this is coming so late. I try to give feedback on everything in the Critiques section. Alright. So you say these will be part of a novel(s)? I'm trying to place the story in context, so I'll treat it like part of a novel, and not a short story.

First off, I'll start by saying I like it.

But I really only liked the last half. It seemed a lot more powerful, and more fleshed out writing. I think this is why.

I think the reason for this is, the opening loses momentum. Reading it, it feels like I'm going to be reading something about present day Earth. I stumbled a bit when you first mentioned MechA, because I was unaware it was a purely fictional story.

I think this could be solved simply by adding more to the intro, (which, if this is going to be in novel forum, I suspect you planned to do this anyways).

Actually. Looking at it again. That's my only issue. The setting is unclear at the beginning, and I think need more establishing. As soon as I understood that (around the second post), I got right into it.

Give it an edit or two, and repost it. I look forward to moar!

by Silvone Elestahr on Sun Jul 26, 2009 11:10 am

I don't know if you've ever read the book The Giver. Wonderful book. Like The Giver, there are some stories that are better when not all of the information is presented at first. In The Giver, your perspective, and knowledge of what the story is really about, constantly changes as the story progresses. I guess that was kind of an inspiration for me, as I use that technique often. Perhaps I didn't pull it off well enough with this story, or maybe its just not a technique you enjoy reading Smile

by **Weiss** on Thu Nov 19, 2009 5:57 am

Refugee

Story Elements

Setting and Plot: The theme of the story doesn’t immediately strike me as being original or unique in any way. It comes off as a story about a couple of kids and their family in a refugee camp during a time of war or economic strife. However, whether or not those presumptions are true is left to the future of the story, because proper context has yet to be established for exactly why the elements of this story are occurring.

If this were a short story, whole in and of itself, I would say that it lacked a lot. However, that isn’t the case, and I can honestly say that you’ve built up a lot of curiosity and suspense by the end of the excerpt you’ve posted. I can feel that there’s a lot of back story for why things are as bad as they are, and I can tell that there’s something I’m probably not even imagining fueling the events that are transpiring. The boy’s father has been killed; his mother and sister taken away, leaving him alone in this harsh world where people can barely take care of themselves, much less some kid they have no ties to.

I can imagine what you’ve posted to be sort of a prologue for a novel. It details the events of someone’s life that may have led them to become this or that type of person. Granted, that might not be the case, and the opening would certainly work to accomplish different effects from the one I’ve mentioned, it’s that very ambiguous nature that leaves itself open to so many possibilities that makes the vague aspect of your story so alluring. I honestly feel like there’s a lot to this story. After reading so little, I’m already gripped with a desire to know just how deep the tunnels run in that world. Where are they? Why are they there? What has caused them to be pushed into such degenerate lifestyles? What is the disease that has caused him to lose his mother and daughter, as well as the death of his father? What will happen to him now that he’s been left alone? If the purpose of a book’s opening, or prologue, is to compel the reader to continue through the pages until they sate their thirst for answers, then you have succeeded in that much.
Immersion: There’s a surprising amount of character development that might not be apparent if you look at the text in black and white. From the very beginning you started drawing connections and outlining personalities, which continued throughout the following paragraphs until I felt like I knew each of the members of the main character’s family. Everything from the main character talking about how his father had taught him the names of the different vehicles to the way they’d been brought up to be the hope of their people’s future. Without expressly saying anything, you’ve given each character a distinct personality; their own raison d’être.

As a side note, I realized while typing the first paragraph of this segment that I don’t know the main character’s name – the person from whose perspective the story is being told. I don’t know if it’s never mentioned, or if I simply forgot because it wasn’t mentioned often, but it’s strange that I hadn’t noticed. In a way, this is also a sign of how well you immersed the reader in the story. I’m not very good at writing from the first-person perspective, but I love reading other stories that are, because it truly makes you feel like you’re experiencing things with the emotions of the person telling the story. You can feel more drawn into the events of the story because you’re not just watching, objectively, as the events take place. You’re experiencing them with the senses and feelings of the person narrating.

Literacy

Grammar: While there were a few instances of repetition that left me wishing you’d chosen a synonym or simply excluded it all together, the grammar throughout was decent. The points worthy of note would be the aforementioned instances of repetition and the fact that new paragraphs weren’t created every time a new person was speaking.
- Repetition
  Uniformed men quickly exited the vehicles, leaving their sirens on. The men wore heavy black uniforms that covered their entire body, showing no skin, and thick black helmets.
  
  The fact that the word “uniform” is repeated actually isn’t the problem, so much as that you state twice that they’re wearing the uniforms. The first time, you simply call them “uniformed men”, which implies that they’re men wearing uniforms. If the second statement had gone on to say, “Their uniforms were…” and described the clothing without stating, for a second time, that the men were wearing the uniforms, I don’t think it would sound quite as redundant.
  Two of the large men came toward us, with their large guns pointed at Marissa and I. One of the men was significantly taller than the other, while the other was stockier. Both men, though, were easily larger than most men of the refugee camp.
  
  I suppose this one is fairly self-explanatory. Too much “large”. I don’t think synonyms are really necessary, so much as the omission of at least one mention of how large everything is. A gun doesn’t necessarily need to be called large or small. If you simply mention that it’s a rifle or a pistol, most people will get the drill. If, however, the gun has a peculiarity that makes it larger than most, you could compare it to something else, such as a cannon. The use of metaphors or similes for the sake of imagery is often the best friend of an author searching to avoid redundancy.
  Father waited by the front door. It was not long before a group of men stopped by our door. I heard them knocking, but I could not hear them speak once my father had opened the door.
  
  Too much door. It’s always hard to think of a fitting synonym for a door, because, while there are a lot of them, most simply don’t fit when you’re talking about a regular old plank of wood used for an average home. So, the best way to avoid the “door” repetition is to avoid mentioning the door at all. For instance, when you wrote, “…a group of men stopped by our door,” you could have easily replaced it with, “…a group of men stopped by our home,” or some other method of stating that they’re near the house, or the front door, without expressly mentioning the door itself.
- Paragraph Structure
  “Our house is across camp, sir. It will...” The man cut me off before I could finish my explanation with a wave of his rifle. He pointed to a hut behind me. “Get in there,” he said dryly. “I don’t care. Just get out of the street. Now.”
  "But I don’t know them!" I protested. The man raised his weapon slightly, either for intimidation or a desire to use it. "Now!" he screamed. I grabbed Marissa, who was now starting to sob, and walked to the hut behind me.
  
  Separated into two paragraphs, but it should be four. A new paragraph should be created every time the speaker is changed.
  
  Your other mistakes of paragraph structure were mostly of the same variety. I noticed a few times when a paragraph seemed longer than I’d have liked, but since the subject was, to my memory, unbroken within those paragraphs, it’s still allowable. Just keep in mind, though, that shorter paragraphs give the reader a chance to breathe; a chance to reflect on what they’ve read up to that point without being afraid of losing their place or train of thought. Since most of your paragraphs are reasonably sized, though, one or two long ones isn’t a big problem. It’s just something I figured I’d mention as a point of personal taste.
Flow: The flow is excellent. I never felt like there was too much or too little attention given to any element of the story. Things were explained as needed, given proper context and left vague when such was the best method of use to create reader interactivity via imagination. The fact that the story is being told from a first-person perspective certainly helps in this category, but it’s the fact that you executed that style so well that allows you to score so highly.

Without dawdling on one thing, you managed to flesh out the personalities of the boy’s family, his relationships with them, and even the context for small things that might have needed more explanation, such as: the doll, the radio, the lifestyle of the refugees to an artistically vague degree, etc. The details that you included fit so well into the story being told that it didn’t become wasted text that should have been spent elsewhere. Furthermore, you didn’t explain them beyond necessity. Details were given when details were desirable. It’s a fine balance, and you more or less nailed it.

Notes

The only thing I feel is worth mentioning at this point in development is that there’s a lot you need to accomplish as the story progresses. You’ve created a curiosity in the reader that needs to be fed and quenched from time to time to keep them both interested and satisfied. Given what I’ve read so far, I definitely think you have the capacity to pull it off, and I look forward to the opportunity to read more of this written work if ever it becomes available.

Refugee

Refugee

Re: Refugee

Re: Refugee

Re: Refugee

Re: Refugee