Shostakovich and a Haughty Old Lady - A Short Story

Noteworthy grammatical errors:

I cannot remember if she was alone or not; if she was not, than her partner was thankfully a silent one.

The correct word in this case would be “then”.

After making sure my mother knew just how negligent of a parent she was for allowing me to commit such a act, …

Unless this is one of those awkward times where the usage of a vs. an becomes a complex and incomprehensible matter, the correct term should be “an”. If, however, this is one of those times, disregard this correction.

She mentioned her grandchildren, which typically is sweet topic between two mothers.

I imagine you meant to say, “…typically is a sweet topic…” In addition, I believe it would carry more fluently to say, “…is typically a sweet topic…”

There are times when I noticed a lack of comma usage when it might have been called for, but you seemed less concerned with those instances, so I didn’t bother to keep them in mind.


Truly, this is an occasion where a title defines whether a piece is well- or poorly-written. Allow me to explain. The narration begins as if to detail a stroll through Manhattan, speaking of the excitement felt when meandering about the city streets in a place full of possibilities. A few sentences later, however, this train of thought is abruptly derailed by the arrival of a phone call from the narrator’s father, informing her and her mother that the New York Philharmonic would be playing at Avery Fisher Hall. The sharp deviation from exploring Manhattan to attending a classical concert is somewhat unsettling, but to occur so early in the narration makes it forgivable.

At this point in the story, one might surmise that the rest of the story will be based on the narrator’s experience while attending the concert. To an extent, this is true. The details of what occurs henceforth are indeed happening at Avery Fisher Hall, where the New York Philharmonic is to be playing; however, the story has very little to do with the concert itself. In fact, it is near-entirely a recounting of an unpleasant quarrel with an elderly woman.

Recapping the progression thus far:

• The narrator and her mother are meandering about Manhattan, “expecting that viable and intriguing opportunities would be in full bloom at every corner.”
  
• A few sentences later, this topic is derailed by the introduction of a new venture: to see the New York Philharmonic at Avery Fisher Hall.
  
• This subject is maintained for a couple of paragraphs, until the first encounter with the snobby old woman who insists on starting a frivolous quarrel over the narrator’s clothing.

In the span of four paragraphs, the subject of the entire story is shifted twice. At this point, one can hardly tell if the purpose of this piece is to detail the exciting adventure of exploring Manhattan, to recall the wondrous experience of attending the New York Philharmonic’s concert, or to lament the misfortune of quarreling with an old woman over attending the aforementioned concert in poor dress.

As the story continues, we find that it seems to center on the encounter with the old woman. The discussion is recounted at length; not at all boringly, mind you. In fact, I would go so far as to say that this piece’s best writing exists within the exchange of ‘pleasantries’. It holds more emotion – more expression – than any other segment of the narration.

That is why the title becomes so important. If the title indicates that this piece is about a day of exploring Manhattan or the experience of a New York Philharmonic concert, then I would say it is a poorly written short story. If, however, the title reflects that the narrator will be recounting an unpleasant quarrel with a nagging old woman laden with hypocrisy and prided in her lofty arrogance, then I would say that the other segments, detailing the meanderings about Manhattan and the decision to attend the concert, would merely serve as a build-up to the main event, upon which you delivered nicely.

Once the ill-mannered conversation ends, the concert begins. In a single paragraph, you managed to detail the concert, end it, and then recount that the woman had departed with a trail of candy wrappers in her wake. It isn’t wholly bad that you breezed through the concert so quickly. The problem is that, for the short duration where you focused on the concert, you tried to make it sound phenomenal, even having gone so far as to label it as such. Despite making such a statement and using such an emotionally invocative statement as, “The music didn’t just fill the room, it was the room,” the entire event merited not even a whole paragraph of its own.

In other words, it’s inconsistent. If you were going to breeze through the concert, it would have been better to use a less grave depiction of the event. Using such strong wording in an attempt to express the strong emotion that accompanied the concert’s proceedings would be better suited to a set of paragraphs, speaking of the rise and fall of the tenor, the heart-stirring crescendos and the melodious ebb and flow of the music as if wafted throughout the hall with a resonant grandeur like no other sound could produce.

A simple summary would be that the ending was rushed, but I wanted to be sure and explain myself properly. It wasn’t that the ending came about too quickly. It was simply that you focused either too much or too little on the concert itself. Swaying further in either direction would have improved the balance of the narration.

Highlights:

• The title should reflect the focus of the short story. In its current state, that seems to be interactions between the narrator, her mother and the old woman down the row.
  
• The opening theme of exploring Manhattan should either be expanded slightly to increase its significance to the story or done away with entirely. As it is, it merely misleads the audience into believing they are being led through an adventure to explore the intriguing sites of the island, only to find a few sentences later that this is not at all the case, and the existence of Manhattan was all together insignificant to the story that is being told.
  
• The concert should either be given more detail, or breezed through with seeming insignificance, either of which will create a better sense of balance. I suggest adding more detail. Doing so would augment the narrator’s prior statements that, in spite of her ragged clothing – poorly suited for attending the concert – she is an avid fan of classical music and enjoys the concert no less for her attire.

I hope this was somewhat helpful. I apologize if it seems convoluted or indirect. I’m tired and medicated and trying to phrase things in the most definitive way possible.


In response to your question: no, I don't believe you've come across as disliking wealthy people. I would say that the narrator's distaste for that particular woman was apparent, but I don't see any deeply seated dislike toward rich people in general.

The only thing that I would add that Weiss had not already done in his response is this: I would use the words for the numbers in the story (i.e. 'four' instead of '4' and 'fourteen' instead of '14').